Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
