The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
