One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
