Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
