i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
They took my balls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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