I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
