her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
