Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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