there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
