He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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