So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
