I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
