I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
