Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
