I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
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