My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
