I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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