Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
