you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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