I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
