I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
