Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
