currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
