: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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