Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
