On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
