I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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