My liver just broke up with me...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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