I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
