i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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