I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
