im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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