I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He passed out mid-signature
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
