I just pynch a tree in the face
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
