are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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