He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
