Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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