I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
there is glitter all over my balls
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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