I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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