I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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