Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
