Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
