probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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