I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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