just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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