Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
