having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She bit a glass in half.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
