I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
