She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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