Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
